Saturday, April 19, 2008

God Save the Queen!

Her Royal Majesty.

     Several weeks ago I rebuked the claim made by the NY Observer's Chris Shott that Dianna Carlin, a fairly new Coney Island entrepreneur, was The Queen of Coney Island.  (That entry and a link to Shott's shoddy article can be found here.) I felt the need to admonish Shott because I am well acquainted with the true queen and I promised you then that I would provide an image of Her Royal Majesty.  I was really hoping that I would have found one of my old images of her. But, since that didn't happen (probably because those images are so old that they are stored on a 5.5 inch floppy!) I had to stop by to see her. Ah, I owed her a visit anyway.
    Well, to my dismay, I found Queen Grandma in the saddest condition ever. She has been given a makeover and apparently her stylist is big on the couture of the religious right.  (Rumor has it that Grandma began using the services of Tammy Faye Baker's former stylist shortly after Ms. Baker's death.)  Anyway, I am appalled!  HRM's bottle of Bacardi 151 and pack of Lucky Strikes have been replaced with strings of pearls and painted fingernails! I immediately protested to Deno's Wonderwheel employees Amos and Charlie.  They explained that they had had a slew of complaints about Grandma's indulgence in alcohol and tobacco because (as some people claimed) she wasn't a good image for the children.  
     I MEAN WTF??? What, did they forced her into some sort of "overcomers" rehab or something?  What is the world coming to when the Queen of Coney Island can't take a swig between readings? And, when the hell did the children of Coney Island become so damn precious-wecious that they can handle the sight of an old lady having a good time?
     Let's call this what it is.  Grandma is being forced to alter her image in acquiescence to the new hipster set (Ahem, Carlin, Shott and the rest of the "Let's-act-like-we're-just-carnie-lovin'-hipsters-but-we're-really-in-it-for-the-$$$" crew) converging on Coney Island.  As an act of resistance, I am waging an email campaign to the administration of Deno's Wonderwheel.  If you have any sense of justice, you'll join my crusade to Save the Queen from the wiles of middle class anxiety. (Pssssst: info@wonderwheel.com)
     Oh yeah, I sense a bit of sexism in these demands placed on HRM. While the queen can't so much as light a smoke after a hard day's work, the King of Coney drinks himself into a stupor every night and spends his days outside The Ghost Hole like this:
The King of Coney Island
I bet he too has few remarks for those who object to unsavory behaviour in CI!

2 comments:

rosemary said...

Dear FB
I was alarmed to read your blog piece about the Queen of Coney Island. As a self proclaimed "displaced pigeon" from another eastcoast city under destruction by the yuppies, the hipsters, and college crowd. I too am alarmed by the blatent censorship and "cleaning up " of HRM to embody the ideals of the Hipster/Yuppie procreator crowd. Right I forgot little overparented yuppie offspring shouldn't be exposed to anything other than $5 lattes and organic chocolate while wearing their eco-friendly playclothes.
rock on Pigeon

gimmeadrinkawater said...

FB,
following our conversation on the playground today, I looked up your Coney Island Queen article and couldn't agree more. I remember visiting the Ozarks as a tender lass of 10 and viewing the drunken noisy mechanical man lurching precariously out of his outhouse, moonshine in hand, yelling at us intrusive tourists. He was just a pisser (in more ways than one) and my 8 year old brother particularly loved him. Are we drunken, foul-mouthed, musty-smelling falling-down mechanical men today? Why, NO! On another token, I took my 4 year old to the mermaid festival last year, met quite a few strange strange people, and she, as far as I can tell, is none the worse for the wear; in fact, she has probably improved for the exposure.

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