A good while back a friend of mine forwarded the below Craigslist ad to me. She knew that its author was the perfect man for me and she was so right. Since my first read of this genius ad, I have been obsessed with the author as he is clearly my perfect counterpart.
I have searched the city over and he is no where to be found. So I turn to you my beloved readers for any clues to his whereabouts. Perhaps you suspect that this ad was written by your sociopathic ex-husband, pothead brother-in-law or annoying comic-collecting coworker. Whatever the case and despite your biases, please forward your suspicions to me. Why should I be denied my true counterpart?
Cheers,
The Pigeon
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Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-22, 6:21PM EDT
Me:
Newly separated in a dead end job seeks dumpy unfulfilled neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sax, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I can't stand dancing, and the last album I bought was America's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I'm 42 but look 52 and feel 80.
You:
are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlementand unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished having sex with every guy in town and but now want to take
it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*t-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any more dam friends. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother
issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*t-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.
I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any more dam friends. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother
issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
__________________________________________________
1 comment:
I dunno...but when I'm in the mood for tepid sax I usually turn to Kenny G.
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